Uneasy in Arcadia

As I have said here before, this blog is about memory: looking back, making sense, making peace, making whole, among other things. In that statement lies my wish for all those I love, all with whom my life has been involved..

Meanwhile life goes on. Those who grieve still go to the shops: ‘Hallo, how are you? Fine.’  And they, we, I  ….we still have a choice. The sky is without a cloud. This is a golden October. We look up to the sun – or not.

Mrs Llew and I grieve – not for one who is dead but one who has gone away. If our lost one has a memory of us it bears no resemblance to who we are. We, in the words of this blog, would make peace and make whole. There may be  ‘war’ and there may be  ‘jaw’. But for us there is total lack of contact

I look back, to a time when things were different, when muddy plane tree leaves were picked up on dusky mornings and presented to the school nature table. I remember great rosemary bushes on cliffs and a packet of pipe tobacco which my little one thought was cake.

And I think of how my young family would have enjoyed looking at the young bullocks spread across a pasture today. The cattle moved close and then, on a mysterious prompting,  turned one by one and faced back across the field.

One brindled animal stood apart and faced me. He studied me. It struck me that perhaps he didn’t feel  part of the herd. Perhaps something troubled him here in Arcady. I imagined a fellow feeling. However much wonder and love there is in the world something always troubles me and, in the words of my blog, I hope still for making sense, making peace and making whole again.

I have been moved recently by an article about memory in ‘The Guardian’ by a writer called Meredith Maran. It is easily enough tracked down if anyone wants to go to Guardian  on line.

It raises my hopes, while Mrs Llew and I still cope with the world which we encounter, day by day and – as Church of England folk – we look out for the General Synod voting results for Chichester and Oxford dioceses …..

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